My mom is 78 and lives with my husband and me. She is almost independent – but has some physical issues (COPD and peripheral neuropathy primarily) that makes living with us is better for her (and my peace of mind) than her living alone.
She struggles with things that continue to surprise to me. I am trying to take note of the things that I may need to be aware of and prepare for before my elder years.
She has trouble opening packages…crackers, soda bottles, make-up pencils & vitamin bottles with the perforated cellophane.
1. I’m going to need a magnifying glass, a bright desk light and a sharp object, like tweezers or small flathead screwdriver – and a lot of patience to get into things I want.
She forgets the steps that make up tasks that she wants to accomplish regularly: Getting on a Zoom meeting with friends; sending a picture in a text; finding a post on one of her friend’s Facebook pages.
2. I’m going to need a notebook with “How To…” instructions small enough to fit in my purse and a copy for my bedside table/desk and be willing to take the time required to remind myself that I know how to do the things I want to do. (That doesn’t mean I don’t want someone else to do them for me.)
Mom loses track of time – especially when she has an appointment or has asked to accompany me on errands.
3. Set alarms on my phone (or ask for help with setting alarms) giving me 10 minutes to gather my purse, phone, water bottle and cane and get to the door.
Mom has trouble following TV shows and movies, probably because she can’t hear the subtle sounds or dialogue (or because she is playing games on her phone) – and continually asks, “What did they say?” “Where are the now?” while we’re watching the movie.
4. Will have to ask for certain level of volume while watching TV/Movies with others AND ask them to pause the action when I’m very lost. NOTE: How I am going to remember to do this one, is not clear to me yet. However, the other Number 4 maybe: Have hearing checked regularly. I realize that this one may also be: Be prepared to watch things on my own – so I can rewind or use subtitles. When with a group, perhaps I will only pretend to watch the show.
Mom is stubborn about her physical health/fitness. She easily loses her breath if we walk more than 10 steps or with any speed. When I suggest to her that she needs to keep up her pulmonary rehab, even while under quarantine – she will tell me she just needs a stronger inhaler.
5. Going to need a doctor to write down my ailments and a list of Daily Must Do’s. I may not do them, but I will have some idea about how I’m affecting my own health.
My mother has been calling herself ‘middle aged’ since she was 45. I waited until she was 60 to mention that 120 years was not a normal human’s life expectancy. She doesn’t want to talk about her funeral or end of life planning, except to say we must do EVERYTHING WE CAN to keep her alive, no matter her physical state.
6. Must make my will and end of life plans before my 60th birthday – so no matter what happens to me, my wishes will be available and easy to follow.
My mother often repeats stories from my childhood – or hers. She tells several of the same stories over and over again. Often touching on more sensitive topics regarding my father or her second husband, my dad. She has either forgotten the pain that some of her choices caused or she believes that everyone should have moved on already. This one is combined with Mom doesn’t get the full story of any news program she listens to/watches – and often announces inaccurate headlines – and will replay every moment of her time on the phone with a friend, her experience at church – or better still, the memes she saw on Facebook that were SO FUNNY…but of course, she can’t really.
7. I’m going to need to remember that people with lives want to stay contemporary – and are not as entertained by my memories as I am – AND – they have access to the news and Facebook on their own, so I don’t need to share my discoveries with them.
I have to stop this now…because I am not writing a “how to” guide – but a list of things that piss me off about my mom. I still want my mother to be something she isn’t, by design – truly independent. Living alone and being independent are two different things. How I would, or think I would, handle the same situations has nothing to do with her reality, it has to do with how I want to live MY life.
I knew there would be adjustments in how we lived once she came to us. I forgot that there would be more and more the longer she lives. I know on some level my irritation is about my fear of her leaving and my aggravation with her not doing the things I believe she could do to live longer and healthier. So what I need now – is to be aware of how I’m treating my mother as she ages.
What I’m going to need when I’m old is a mystery – because how we get old and how old we get is really not up to us.
UPDATE…1 year and 2 months later, she is really slowing down, getting confused and far more determined to prove me wrong in little ways (I’m pretty sure that’s where I get it). I didn’t realize, until recently, that when I looked at her, I would see her as she was a long time ago. Yesterday, I saw her for the nearly 80 old woman she is…It was startling – and sad. Not heartbreaking, just sad.
Life changes us, sometimes in expected ways – but it doesn’t necessarily prepare us for those changes. Let’s stay in today.
