…because I am never not doing it.
When we met I knew he was a veteran. I knew he was divorced. I knew he had children.
I didn’t know – he didn’t know – that the malignant oliodendroglioma that had been removed in 2010 wasn’t quite done with him. However, since this is me writing about my own wonder that I haven’t written about it yet – 10+ years later – I’m not inclined to relive the first 2 years of hell in the first post regarding that journey.
I have spent the majority of my adult life working out relationships. I am or have been a sister, a best friend, a co-worker, girlfriend, boss, wife, ex-wife, employee, step-mother, helper, and mentor. Figuring out how to show up for those has not always been easy, but it has been educational, even enlightening. But being a daughter was my greatest challenge. Now that all of the parental figures are gone, I realize that I was a daughter first.
I, like many other human beings, get a great deal of direction for my life out of a book, one important book. In that book I have learned about living a principled life, the necessity of serving others and that so much of my suffering has been and still is self-induced. I think I would have accepted the same direction from a person I trusted and respected – but I rarely found both qualities in one person – especially a anyone more experienced than me.
So I was self-managed, self-centered, self-starting, self-serving, and self-ISH. The “gift” with that combination was that I learned that I could take care of myself. BUT… I never asked for help – and if I did, I didn’t want any of the support or experience someone might offer, I couldn’t be told. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and I never wanted to be wrong.
So…I’m back. God help me find the discipline to do this regularly, as directed by my therapist (Go figure!) in an effort to find the joy and the hope. Apparently, me bottling things up, feeling angry, helpless and hopeless, is not good for me.
I want to say that I hate The Former Guy (if you don’t know who I am referring to you either disagree with me a lot or you’re young and not at all caught up in politics and the future of our nation) – but I have been warned about using the H word since I can remember. I am an optimist at heart – and always believe that everyone has a chance to redeem themselves in the eyes of “GOTU” (God of Their Understanding) and society at large.
Today is the anniversary of my mother’s birth. It’s not her birthday, really, because she’s no longer alive. It’s tough to know how to handle not the first birthday after the death of a loved one. I can tell you I wasn’t looking forward to it – and I didn’t want to address it if I didn’t have to. Consequently, I was caught off guard when others did address.
It never occurred to me that the blog name or website would be looked at as Ingratitude. HA! Silly redhead.
…but do I do anything about it? Rarely!
Regularly something pops into my head that I think you’d like to talk about. Whether it’s political, art-borne or stupid people things, constantly popping up like whack-a-mole.
And I think, I will remember this one or let me send myself a text… But then I am called to do something, answer a phone, care for a dog and the thought is suddenly, as one of my favorite writers once said, “blotted out by worldly clamors, mostly those within myself.”*
As we’re nearing the end of this fucking year…I already know that Jan 1 is going to feel oddly just like Dec 31. I know that man-made constructs do not hold sway over organic processes like grief, marriage, and healing.
I also know my deepest pools of anger are easily stirred when someone tells me, it’s going to take time. OH MY GOD, I KNOW…I KNOW…I KNOW. I’m the one counting the days and watching the clock. I’m the one dodging the memories and habits of conversation, phone calls and expectations. I am fully aware that Time is the boss of us all!!
There was a time when I had a vision about what I was planning or preparing to do – and I worked toward that to the best of my ability.
Today my life is fairly stayed…caring for family members, challenging part-time job, a handful of friends and a lovely network of good folks who serve one another. However, when nothing much changes…nothing much happens. I realized I am not so much boring as predictable.
I’m unclear how to process this awareness…but I am feeling like I should be making room for more – and preparing to handle it simultaneously. Pretty sure change is coming.
Gonna need to think this through.
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