I have been thinking about the Hawthorne Effect – the observation of people influences the behavior of same. [This is somewhat different than the theory from physics – that something observed is changed – simply be the observation of same.] It is my experience that when my boss is watching my interaction with a client, my energy with that client is different than when no one is watching my interactions.
In those moments my consciousness includes more than just my client, but also the third party observing us together. Depending on who the observer is effects my behavior – and in turn, my consciousness – and so the spiral continues. You can see how this might drive a simple person a little crazy.
So…if I make a commitment to raise my own consciousness regarding how I show up in the world, at home, at work, at the grocery store, etc. my own conscious observation should, in turn, change my own behavior. Because our consciousness is the personal observation of our own thoughts, behaviors, etc. then depending on the context we put on the observation so will it affect our behavior and, in turn, our consciousness, etc. etc. etc. ad infinitum.
As the Chinese proverb goes, ‘could be good, could be bad.’
Let’s pretend that I’m working toward changing a bad habit or increasing my sense of well-being in certain or all situations, then the context is that I am working to impact my own life in a positive way. We could go one step further and say I’m trying to become aware of ‘white privilege’ and how it permeates my experience as a white woman – in that context I’m trying to open up my understanding to the imbalance that my black and brown brothers and sisters experience. Maybe not as pleasant a context, but probably far more worthwhile to me as a human being (IMO).
In either scenario, I am asking myself to see things differently – to participate differently than I would than if I was just trying to get in and out of the grocery store or through a family dinner. I’m requiring a different level of consciousness of myself doing something very ordinary. I define that as a state of being more aware, being more awake to the reality I likely do not pay that much attention to on any given day. In today’s vernacular, I’m trying to be live woke. AND the whole point of this post is to say that by being woke I can be NEW.
Why, oh why do we have to talk about this?!
I have lived through too many Monday morning diet attempts, relationship do-overs and adventures in changing bad habits (trying not to use the word fuck quite so freely, for instance) to believe that we can “try” to change”. Yet I have changed over the last many years.
Telling ourselves IT will be different tomorrow, the next time or when I “know better” is a personal kind of torture that kills us slowly for the rest of our days. IT doesn’t change – the situations and scenarios tend to repeat and replay over and over again until, like Lara Croft, we find the special combination of skill, timing and courage to get to the next level – where we are new to the moment without losing the experiences and lessons we’ve learned.
What changes is how I see things and how I agree to participate. The former takes more work, in my experience, than the latter. The idea of being new seemed like a more attainable goal than starting over. One cannot go back to change. Upon meeting my first grown-up therapist in 1989, I laid out the plan of attack that I wanted her to help execute. “Let’s rewind through my life, discussing each twist and turn – and see if I should have behaved differently and, essentially, back out of the person I have become over the years – so I can get back to the me I was meant to be.”
RUFKM?
I’m lucky, she explained in a very kind way, each turn I had taken along my life path had changed me. Therefore, The “ME” I was meant to be was here, now and how I might want to augment that would be the work we would do together. SO DISAPPOINTED. I guess I thought my authentic self was just waiting for the right set of circumstances to re-emerge – as if ‘she’ had gone underground at a particularly difficult time, waiting for the coast to clear.
So – no starting over, still after all these years. My understanding must change. My behavior must change. My consciousness must change – what a fine line I find myself walking. I get to wake myself up, over and over again, like a newly committed student of meditation: You know you’re meditating when you find yourself not meditating and decide to try again (and again and again and again).
Be new – show up differently, assess the experience and renew the commitment to show up differently. Repeat.
When I realized the cycle outlined in the two sentences above is the formula for getting the life I want – I was a little pissed off. I have been outcome focused my entire life.
Do this – Get that. Nope. No graduation, no certificate.
Simply a journey during which I can ask my mind to see with fresh eyes and to hear again for the first time; where my awakened presence is essential for the adventure to continue.
There goes my alarm – again.
