I want to talk about feminism…
What it means… in the media…to me…to women, generally…to men, generally – and I would really love to hear from you.
Y’all know me – and I know you think this is gonna be a big discussion of my liberal use of the word fuck – but no.
Then feminism turned into being paid as a man for equal work. I remember in 1985, in the St. Louis office I worked in, as a secretary, they (two women executives in the department) were creating a new permanent position for a temp that had been working with us, managing the direct mailing campaigns and events to raise money for the university. She was a woman, in her 40s with children and a husband who worked full-time…they based the salary on the woman they were offering the job to. When I questioned the determining factors, the reply included, “she isn’t a single woman – and doesn’t need the money to live”.
Wait. What?
When I was growing up it didn’t seem to mean something as much as it was something. Women wearing pants (did you know that as late as 1992 there were dress codes in offices I worked in because of the weight of the women working in the office?), not doing their hair, not wearing bras, having a career, having an opinion, or not taking their husband’s name (my first husband had no idea that there was a time when I would have been required by law to take his name – he was very understanding when I declined).
- How do you know if she needs the money or not?
- What difference does it make what her marital status is?
- How much is the job worth to the university?
Truthfully, you can ask those questions in any order you like – and add as many as you feel appropriate to the list – because there was no business logic in their decision-making process.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
They were practicing the thing that both of them had had to fight their entire careers – and they didn’t even realize it. They didn’t value the job – they valued the person they felt would be right for the job, based on stereotypes – not what it took to do the job. I feel strongly that if they hadn’t already had “Mary Ellen” ready to take the position, they wouldn’t have changed the offer – they would only have interviewed the caricatures they had already identified in their heads for the job.
They looked at me as if I was being over-emotional, ‘poor Rhea, she just doesn’t understand how things work in the real world’.
I remember knowing in my gut it was wrong – and having absolutely no words to explain it to them. Perhaps because it wasn’t my fight. Perhaps because I was living in my own version of an anti-feminist universe. This was my day job – see, I was an actor…where leading men were hyper-valued and young women believed their – value was defined by who they were sleeping with OR were eager to get laid and call it love – either way, it was supremely challenging time to be a thinking woman who preferred not to compromise (and there were many of us).
*Reminding you here that this is my blog – and I can’t be wrong when sharing my experience, especially when I know it’s not a universal truth, so – shut it.*
Cut to: 3 years later in Chicago
I still feel very fortunate to have worked in the consulting industry when it was very new. I worked for the top firms in the world over a period of a few short years – before finding a niche firm with a niche for me. Over those years, I had opportunities to work with experienced, some would say brilliant, men who were leaders in their field – and though it was the late 80s/early 90s, they were channelling Don Draper in the Chicago Loop. One dude, who I had worked with for more than a year, didn’t even know my name. Never occurred to him to learn it (mind you, he’s in prison now. I guess there were several things Rajat didn’t care to learn). I am grateful I had enough sense to be amused by his ridiculousness at the time. I wish now I had been clever enough to give him (and many others like him) an emotional paper cut every time that shit came to light. There were others that were far more overt in their sexism – and I remember hating them a little – feeling impotent within the system – to address or respond to their behavior. When I did respond, in my last hurrah in the industry in 2002, I remember being undermined by my boss, the COO and the women in HR; being called unprofessional and emotional (where a man would have been called rebellious and passionate).
I’ve since learned that change requires patience – and those that want change must pioneer and model the change they want to see.
I lived my whole life believing that everyone already knew what I knew, that I had nothing to add to the conversation. I seriously thought people were being obstinate and purposefully difficult when they didn’t consider simple things like equality and civil rights when discussing education or employment opportunities, children and healthcare. I feel the same way when the media covers rape and human trafficking; when any single person, male or female, white or black, educated or life-learned excuses the behavior of this president (2019) when he speaks about women in terms of their body parts or their level of attractiveness to his measure. Please. Please! How can this not be a deal breaker. Do you not know and love women in your life? Are you willing to deny the insensitive, coarse, chauvinistic reality of this man? Can you believe, without question, that the lack of principles in his life do not translate into his policies?
How can people that I love and respect, believe in and trust, (male and female) think that equal pay for equal performance is ridiculous? That a majority of white men should get to decide how I manage my body – while refusing to provide healthcare for the mother and the fetus they demand be brought to term? Where are the laws demanding the “fathers” support the pregnancy? Where is the outrage when this “life” that seems to be the most important thing on your agenda, is not given the same opportunities as a higher tax-earning school/county-living fetus. Misogyny is designed into the fabric of our lives, in exactly the same way racism runs through the fabric of this country.
We do not have to rebel and take over the reins – but we do have to require ourselves to become more aware of how we participate in the twisted society that defaults to a white man’s authority over every other humans’ lives, livelihood or consideration.
In my life, I do try to point out the disconnects between people’s talk and people’s walk with compassion; I attempt to share a discovery with an example that might hit closer to home rather than call an idiot an idiot outright. However, here in the privacy of my public blog, never have I agreed more with Nancy Reagan…Just say no.
0r in my personal vernacular…
