Recently I was trying to calculate the ideal life span. I remember saying to my father earlier this year, “I think 80 years is enough.” He laughed and said, “I did too, until I was about to turn 80!”
A few months later, my father had a massive stroke and left the earth 3 days later, on August 6, 2021. I think my father looked forward to the sleep, a deep slumber that lovingly beckons the weary traveler.
“Come over for coffee” you said. “I have some news” you said. “Everybody’s health is good” you said.
I knew what it was, I just didn’t want to believe it. I didn’t understand the details, but boy, I knew this was going to be hard.
I’ll never forget taking the bus from Port Authority that September…as it rounded that first curve on Kennedy the view was breathtaking. This is the view of Manhattan from TV…The Hudson in your backyard?! COME ON!
You introduced us to your man, your cat and strawberry lemonade. We laughed and laughed and laughed. Then you gave us tickets to LVC – and drove us back into the city to the theatre for a life changing experience. That day we promised to come back with all our belongings and Spike – to join the neighborhood. You shook your head and said, “That’s what they all say.”
We shared that “backyard” for 2 years before staking our claim on another 1 block long street 20 minutes from Weehawken, 3 bedrooms, 4 baths and every Thanksgiving for the next 15 years. In the meantime, you found your own paradise 20 minutes from us on a creek somewhere between Maplewood/Union/Irvington. We carried on…
I stood at your wedding. You stood at mine. I came to the hospital as your husband got some bad news, you came to the hospital as mine was in surgery. We cared for each others pets, mail, driveways. We shared our dreams and losses – and recipes.
We have held each other up and let each other down over and over again since 1987 – partners in crime, tragedy and joy. So I knew that coffee would not be tasty; I knew it would not be accompanied by something special from your oven, or even a bakery. I parked, walked to the back door, because…”backdoor friends are best” and asked, “Are you moving?”
I think you handed me a tissue just after you told me it was Indiana. INDIANA?! A state we have had in common since you met Jeff, a Hoosier by birth. Jesus H. Christ…seriously? Indiana? For God’s sake, why?
Of course, it’s clearly Divine intervention to find THE job in THE city that puts you closer to family – just as your family needs you both.
And here we are months later…Sold your house. Living with your in-laws. I broke my ribs, popped my lung, found out my mom is dying. Here we are.
and just like that we are far away. I get it – I just hate it.
My friend, Lee, and I live odd parallel lives. She takes some of life’s hits for me and I for her – but sometimes we are following too closely behind – miles and miles apart.
This time it was the death of our father’s. Well, Lee’s dad left this earth- but it was my father who died.
I have never taken the time to write about him…I can hardly breathe when I think of being in the world without him. I hope he never reads this because it will pierce his heart – because he loves so hard.
My baby brother – that I didn’t want. (I thought it would be better to have a little sister.) What did I know about boys? Nothin’ – nor was I interested in learning about them. But then they brought that little piglet home. Lord, he was a happy baby (in the daytime). He didn’t sleep all night until he was speaking in complete sentences – but that wasn’t my problem. hee hee
I have been thinking about the Hawthorne Effect – the observation of people influences the behavior of same. [This is somewhat different than the theory from physics – that something observed is changed – simply be the observation of same.] It is my experience that when my boss is watching my interaction with a client, my energy with that client is different than when no one is watching my interactions.
I have always been equally adoring of and appalled by my mother. Growing up, there were little snippets of stories about those she knew, met, slept with, laughed with and told off. Her constant commentary on my achievements, my funny sayings, my challenges and my successes – all of which made me uncomfortable in a way I could not explain. I remember very little about growing up. I have maintained a tiny internal hard drive of snapshots and blurred images of my childhood – and not much more than that from my adulthood.
Full moons fuck me up…not gonna lie. March 28, 2021 was a full moon. That night I slept about 2.5 hours. Woke up at 1:30a like I had slept for 9+ hours and was late for work!
There’s all kinds of crap going on with state legislatures creating and passing laws that impact minority and/or low income voters – including the state of Georgia, including a provision that prevents people from distributing water to voters waiting in line to vote!
What is the intersection here that compelled me to write this post?
“You know what I call someone who doesn’t tell me the whole truth?”
I leaned in, as if my friend, Laura, was about to share the secret to maneuvering the world! She continued:
“A LIAR!”
I think the most terrifying thing for a teacher must be the moment between giving everything they have to give and the student’s realization or incorporation of the new information or understanding.
I have been a student of spiritual principles and practices for nearly 4 decades, at this writing. Throughout there have been moments of discovery that changed my self-awareness forever; there have been great lengths of time when I’ve lived with a new perspective of life and my place in it. I’ve had to process loss, rage, grief, anger, fear, humiliation and victory. I’ve also uncovered and celebrated joy. Unadulterated joy. Happiness. Freedom. The unbearable lightness of being – a book, a movie and an experience.
At this point in my life (and throughout the last few decades, but now in a more conscious way) I am a teacher as well as a student. I consult my Teachers and practice those lessons – and try to share my experience, strength and optimistic truth with others, by request.
The words/concepts that have been uppermost in my mind of late are: Acceptance, Honesty, Joy, and Adventure. I often change a single day into an adventure by using the phrase “what if” with myself and others. WHAT IF I am a divine and integral piece of the cosmic puzzle – and my contributions are required to move the storyline for myself and others forward? Then live in that reality.
There are other versions that seem to relieve the burden of the world from our shoulders:
WHAT IF…
…I have no control over my loved ones and have been given an opportunity to love them no matter what?
…I am not responsible for the choices or the consequences of my family members?
…I was born to accept peace as my natural state – and share that reality with others?
…I choose acceptance of all things as a starting place for each day?
These are ways to put my imagination to use to serve God and those about me without forcing or enforcing any of my selfish beliefs (or ‘good ideas’) on or upon others.
I have found JOY in releasing my expectations – and communicating my desires.
I have found JOY in delivering upon my commitments and being in service to my family, friends, work partners and organizations that I support.
I have new adventures ahead of me – each one usually means facing down a demon or releasing a false narrative about myself or others. I am grateful for the consciousness of adventure – and the willingness to participate.
What adventures are you planning?
I have a lot of smart friends. I have a lot of friends who feel passionately about what has happened over the last five years – on both sides. I have no idea how anyone can support the Trump family. However, I do have some idea about how government works; some idea about how pyramid schemes and corporate entities work; some idea about how utilities and broadcast media work; some idea about how healthcare sciences and technology work; Thanks to my husband some idea about the military works and thanks to my college friend, some idea about how the courts work.