…but I don’t have to live each day taking that into consideration. I don’t believe my life is at risk if I am not respectful to law enforcement. In fact, I don’t even flinch when I see a patrol car. I’m not aware of half of the things I take for granted as a white woman in this world.
I am white and I am not aware of it most of the time. Today I’m trying to see the white race – and although it’s painful, often horrifying, I truly believe that is an important step in respecting all people.
I was lucky to be raised by parents who loved all people; they were fearless in their relationships and trusting of others who opened their hearts to us.
I became aware of racism early on because I was raised in a southern culture. But when we moved to south St. Louis County in 1975. There were more racists in my junior high than I had ever been aware of in my country town in southern Indiana – and yet there were no black students in either school. It was heartbreaking to me – and I was not yet aware of my privilege.
Cut to 2020…
I have recused myself from “knowing” how the reaction to George Floyd’s death should be handled. I am angry – but not as angry as my black friends. I am appalled – but not as appalled as Mr. Floyd’s loved ones. I am saddened – but not as devastated as everyone actively working toward equality and human rights in this country and beyond – professionals and volunteers spending some part of every day of their lives, trying to tell the truth, teach the ignorant and guide the “woke”. In a few short days, three deaths representing hundreds of thousands of deaths throughout our national history that compromised our ideals and Constitution, that revolted against true Christian teachings while calling on their savior to sanction the violations – and finally (at least for now) the cup of outrage and fear runneth over. Finally? Hopefully.
I hate that business owners are being abused. I hate that structures are being destroyed. I hate that strangers from far and wide are descending on cities to ramp up a fight they will not entrust to the local citizens. I hate that there is not enough leadership to create support for a better vision. I hate that there are not enough voices to corral the betrayal and energy of our brothers and sisters to create a permanent change for equal rights, equal respect, equal treatment and equal hope for our nation. I hate that more people are dying in response to the unrighteous death of others.
I do not want to feel hate…I want to feel love. I know that hate is borne of fear. I know that hate leaves no room for God. I believe this, too, is God. Forever giving human beings an opportunity to live the principles that religions and spiritual teachers all over the world have put forward as the key to universal and personal peace and harmony: Treat one another as you would want to be treated, forgive more easily and take responsibility for yourselves as if you were an agent of a benevolent Creator – believing and behaving as if all are precious under the sun.
If I am working to be right – I will never be a part of.
Dear people of earth, I do love you – and I’m praying for all of us. R.
PS If I allow my emotions to take over my being – I fear I would die from the anger and horror that I only begin to feel before I have to walk my dogs or clean the kitchen or turn off the media. I cannot fathom how this is the USA. But then again, I am white. This is not the USA that I am a part of – because of the color of my skin. I don’t know how to change that beyond working to increase my own awareness and behavior.
I wish this post was more linear, more compelling and more inspiring – but, like the situation as a whole, it’s just too much to wrangle and steer. It’s an explosion of emotion and fear – everywhere I turn.
