I am so fucking angry, sick, appalled, infuriated, stunned and ashamed about Jacob and Breanna and George and Atatiana and Sandra and Stephon and Botham and Philando and Akai and Eric and Tamir and Tanisha and…
Truthfully, I can’t breathe for the pain in my heart.
Those feelings reflect my disbelief that this is the country my father, dad, brothers, uncle, grandfather and husband served via Air Force, Army, Marines, Police Department and Fire Department. Half of these men stand on the other side of this issue from me, yet I love them.
I am pretty sure I am only able to get up every morning because I believe there is hope; I believe people can change – all people.
What I know from my own experience is for a person to change they must exercise courage and the willingness to be different, it requires a decision to do things differently. To question yourself, what you believe, how you behave and how you present yourself because you have doubt about the life you have been living.
How many times do those of us who try to be present in our lives experience a moment of regret or question a habit that is not healthy (smoking, not exercising, too much sugar, etc.) – and push it aside and move on? And we KNOW we would be better off if we made a different choice – or we truly believe we have no way to amend the event that we regret today! On some level we want to be better – we want to do what’s right and good – and yet the thought of personal change can be overwhelming.
Now, imagine living with the life-threatening hate in your heart that so many of the Trump supporters do…living to be RIGHT and believing that God agrees with you AND that everyone who disagrees with you is going to HELL.
- That version of God is not how I get through life.
- I know that I am one of many – and while I have my personal truth, it is not the Capital T Truth.
- I am aware of the bigger world, the bigger picture – the Universe and cosmic law and karma; and yet.
I keep wondering if there can be redemption for those who hate people because they are different – in color, culture, in beliefs; for those who murder black people because they are black; because they live in fear (which presents as anger and hubris); because no one got in the way of their backward ass teachers who taught them that being white meant being better – no matter what; for those who truly do not understand how closed off their hearts are about race and humanity. Is there redemption for ‘christians’ who cannot fathom the teachings of Jesus Christ – and hate in His name?
There must be.
How do I continue to show up in my truth and the truth of some great teachers, MLK, Ghandi, Jerry Fraser, Wayne Loui, Peter, Stacy, Sandy and so many others?
My friend Paula is a black woman. One day she called me, sad and struggling. I said, “I know how you feel.” And there was silence. It was in that silence I realized, in this country, right now or for the past three hundred years – that will never be true. I don’t know how she feels; I will never understand what it means to be her; what it means to have black skin – in America.
I am learning. She loves me for my willingness to learn. I am grateful.
Because of Paula, Rocky, Charles, Van, Toni, Z, Lloyd, Lesa, Mitch, and so many others I must pray for redemption for those who hate and strike out and kill and terrorize – because change is harder than miracles.
