“You know what I call someone who doesn’t tell me the whole truth?”
I leaned in, as if my friend, Laura, was about to share the secret to maneuvering the world! She continued:
“A LIAR!”
“Oh.” I wasn’t sure she was talking about me, until that last line. Initially, I honestly thought I was getting a pass on “just so busy” “I meant to call” “I thought I would have time” – but oh, no…I was getting called out.
My initial response was to laugh…I appreciate being called out (called out with love, by people who know me – or are willing to know me). And then I simply listened to my wise friend, because I knew I was about to learn something about showing up in the world.
What followed was a lesson in showing up as a human being. Lying by omission is still lying. I fought that truth – and have learned that the hard way. Worse still, sometimes it wasn’t just about omitting facts – it was about re-writing them.
There was/is no excuse – but there is a reason, at least for some of it. I was afraid. When I didn’t live with integrity, I tried to get away with things because I was afraid someone would be mad at me. Getting in trouble was always the thing I was the most afraid of. My belief was that accountability was hurtful. I do think it’s something I was taught, not out of a book, but by example (but I didn’t know that for a long time – and it doesn’t matter once I was grown). What I know for sure is that in my fear I was selfish…my fear of being “hurt” resulted in me hurting others. It’s such an awful continuum for those who got caught up in it.
After several years of willingly doing deep work on myself, I was finally able to see myself in action – in real time, when someone I loved deeply called me out – in real time. It was nearly an out of body experience…almost like I was watching the words coming out of my mouth – against what I knew was right and good. I was re-writing my part in something because I didn’t want to “get in trouble”. I’m sure it had happened many times before, but the planets aligned and brought me to consciousness – as it was happening. It was like being caught in a toxic web – that I had spun, but God had strategically placed, so that I could catch myself, finally and after all.
I cannot communicate the true depth of my shame in that moment. I was heartbroken, because I knew in an instant that this person had no reason to trust me – ever. They had always accused me of this behavior – and I brushed it off, thinking they were being over sensitive. (Historically, a standard fall-back position for me.) So two things happened that day:
- I was able to see the truth of my behavior and how it affected someone I loved
- I was willing to take responsibility and amend it.
Those are two very different things. Too many times in my life I caught a glimpse of myself in the Light of Truth – and shut my eyes so fast, I could barely remember it happening. But because of the work I had already done – I was strong enough to keep my eyes open at that moment. I remember standing perfectly still – horrified by what I had done, what I felt and the pain I had inflicted in an attempt to protect myself.
That day I decided to change the way I lived my life in a few simple ways:
- I slow my roll. I realized that I wasn’t taking the time to assess how I was feeling about a situation, so my responses were more what they wanted to hear than they were what I honestly thought.
- I try to respond to any human being with a clear understanding of my needs v my wants as well as what might be my best choice in the situation for all relevant parties.
- I have to make a conscious decision every day to stay present, both to myself and to those I am in relationship with…that includes my Instacart shopper, my co-workers, husband and neighbors, while keeping the bigger picture in mind.
Not gonna lie, that is hard fucking work – but not forever. I am learning new habits. The biggest one being focusing on the whole rather than focusing on ME. What a startling revelation – not only do others not consider me the center of the Universe – I’m not, actually, the center of the Universe. Shocking, like cold water down my back – that turns into a lovely wake up call that redirects my energy to more important things.
Today I continue, imperfectly, to do those three things – and more. There is more to do – and I’m learning it slowly, but those three things changed my relationships forever. It’s worth the effort.
