Full Moon Outlaw

Full moons fuck me up…not gonna lie. March 28, 2021 was a full moon. That night I slept about 2.5 hours. Woke up at 1:30a like I had slept for 9+ hours and was late for work!

There’s all kinds of crap going on with state legislatures creating and passing laws that impact minority and/or low income voters – including the state of Georgia, including a provision that prevents people from distributing water to voters waiting in line to vote!

What is the intersection here that compelled me to write this post?

My energetic discomfort and the outright racist, Jim Crow bullshit that law makers are pulling in states that lean Right and fear rieth raemajority is waning…created a monster.

At 1:30am I was “inspired” to start a post like this:

ATTENTION WHITE PRIVILEGED MORONS!

Making friends everywhere I go.

OH LORD (insert rolling eyeballs here).

Yes, I meant what I said…but did not have to say it “mean” – for those of you who are familiar with that saying, you know I’m ’bout to be accountable to a higher power for that shit.

AND THEN . . .

I see this ad for my “personalized archetypal report” – not knowing what it is, I go for it. I fill in a few personal details and imagine my surprise to find that I am the Outlaw – described like this:

  • Outlaws are born to rebel against anyone who tries to impose authority or control over them
  • Outlaws are difficult or if not impossible to control
  • Outlaws live by the mantra that everyone is born equal
  • Outlaws are always tirelessly going against the current
  • Outlaws feel the most comfortable in environments of chaos
  • Outlaws are highly sensitive to worldly and societal issues
  • Outlaws will do anything and everything they can to protect their beliefs in what’s right
  • Outlaws find it difficult to trust people in general and their cynicism never fails to surface

And suddenly the clouds parted and the sun shone through. Why, yes…I am all of those things (not with pride, believe me…I’m learning that things I was once proud of can easily turn into my fatal flaws). See, the aforementioned rant was about the sins of legislating inequality! So, I was a little shocked, actually. But, identification is a gift…a moment when the exhale finally lasts longer than the inhale…grateful to be seen but not judged. (Besides I do enough of that for all of us.)

OK, so getting back to the rant…

There are people in my life that I love dearly who would argue that those states (regulating/limiting the opportunity to vote based on reasoning that has already been proven to be false are doing what’s right for their citizens…and I would argue that they are doing what’s right for their white citizens. So I’m saying that my rant probably cut a few heartstrings – and I didn’t give a fuck. I mean who would argue that I was wrong? Well, apparently quite a few people who pass as loving in the real world. But I digress…

The intersection of a Full Moon and a breathing Outlaw is extreme discomfort with a side of rebellion. ugh.

I have a few “laws” that I believe no man (or woman or gender-fluid individual) has the right to break. The biggest is hating another human for no reason other than their color, ethnicity, identification, etc. In short, the shit that people cannot change – the things that are innate to their being. I try to stay optimistic that people, who will not make space for the “others”, can change; they can decide to think differently, to live and love differently. I am optimistic, but not naïve…I know that many of them believe with their entire being that they are right (you know, just like me).

SIDE BAR: They can only believe they are the supreme race if they ignore the teaching of their Lord and Savior – because He had the same rules. Love thy neighbor – the Golden Rule – How you would treat the least of these, etc. Somehow individuals who live in the delusion that white skin is superior to skin filled with melanin skipped that part of Bible study – yet would still tell you that Jesus Christ is the son of God and their personal savior. I CALL BULLSHIT.

Back to our story…So that day I felt hyper energetic and angry. Strike that – I was rage-full. I didn’t exercise my rage. I worked very hard to channel the energy, to find the words that could express the depth of my despair. I was trying to define and articulate the despair in order to short circuit the rage. I did a pretty good job, actually. I was able to use words like: perhaps, wonder, maybe, believe rather than: idiots, fucked up, haters, traitors. See? So much better.

Again with the rolling of the eyes? Because every day I am walking a fine line between keeping my eyes up with a light heart and screaming at every idiot who turns left in front of oncoming traffic (which is common in NJ because Jersey people are raised believing that the first car turning left has the fucking right of way).

The next day I woke up calmer – I tried to stay present enough to feel my feet on the ground. I did what I was supposed to do – all day. I was kind to people that annoyed me – and tried to slow my roll.

Today my inner turmoil is not gone – and I’m working really hard to find a way to reconcile the God I love and trust with the disbelief I experience when grown, educated “christians” make ridiculous arguments against treating people

I am stopping here – before I jump into another path forking off from my full moon experience.

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