The title of this post is the opening line to one of the most moving productions I’ve ever seen or had the privilege to be a part of…
Under Milkwood, identified as a play for voices tells the story of the dream world of a tiny village in Wales, the relationships, the loves and the losses.
In a simple evening of theatre we are reminded of the most important ‘bits and bobs’ of our lives…the loves we left behind, the lives we never had, the joys, fantasies, sorrows and fierce living we rarely do in life.
Unless, perhaps…
…you have the courage to stay in your moment, in your choices, in your heart.
Many times today I have been overcome with gratitude for my life. Imperfect, certainly, but uniquely my own. I could never have mapped out the last decade, in any way, that would have dropped me off in my today; my marriage, my home, my pack, and my tribe.
In an attempt to describe how I came to this moment I started to write:
‘…there has been a great deal of soul-searching…’
but I caught myself with that last phrase: soul-searching. What in God’s name (pun intended) is soul-searching?
More and more, for me, it seems to be about honoring my “now” and less about what my life should look like. Several years ago the brilliant Stanley Siegel introduced me to that idea.
“What do you want to do right now, in this moment? A snack, a nap, silence, music, stay at home, go dancing, weep…WHAT?”
I’ve no doubt that at the time my response was, “Oh for fuck’s sake, Stanley, who cares? I’ve got a list as long as my arm that has nothing to do with what I want.” But recently, I’ve been asking myself that question in a larger context…
Work?
If yes, then where? Once that is answered, how?
Money?
If yes, then how much?
[ba ha ha ha ha - if yes]
How do you know?
Etc. Etc. Etc.
The truth is I stopped asking myself what I wanted 15 years ago – when I painted myself into a corner that required that job and that paycheck and that schedule, I had to go, go, go – no time to think or ask or hope – just GO! By taking the option of ‘following my heart’ away from myself, I ended up exhausted, miserable and frightened.
The soul-searching I was talking about started when I literally made myself sick by doing what I thought I had to and not what I wanted to…by trying to satisfy others without considering myself in any way. [Really? Not considering myself in ANY WAY? That is, of course, bullshit.] Oddly enough, I still found a way to do that selfishly. However, my lizard brain led me to believe that I was doing it for others…what was really happening was I working for acceptance (or kudos or celebration or sympathy – or whatever) in every aspect of my life – which ultimately kept me from being true to myself.
When I was younger, being true to myself meant doing whatever I wanted – to hell with everyone else. Happily, after some 35 years, I understand it very differently. I’m not going to leave age out of this story…I used to say ‘the only good thing about getting older is hindsight’. Now I think a significant gift of aging is caring less about what others think – and more about our own peace. Being true to myself now feels like standing in my space rather than fighting for it. I am less desperate for you to understand my “why” – and more interested in finding the areas where we intersect.
To bring us full circle – time does, seriously, pass. My dream is, whenever I take a peek in the rearview mirror, to see the best lessons and the sweetest moments. If, when I look behind me, I begin to feel regret, disappointment, and sorrow – please somebody remind me to keep my eyes to the front, so I don’t total my vehicle hoping for a better past.
