I, like many other human beings, get a great deal of direction for my life out of a book, one important book. In that book I have learned about living a principled life, the necessity of serving others and that so much of my suffering has been and still is self-induced. I think I would have accepted the same direction from a person I trusted and respected – but I rarely found both qualities in one person – especially a anyone more experienced than me.
So I was self-managed, self-centered, self-starting, self-serving, and self-ISH. The “gift” with that combination was that I learned that I could take care of myself. BUT… I never asked for help – and if I did, I didn’t want any of the support or experience someone might offer, I couldn’t be told. I wanted what I wanted when I wanted it and I never wanted to be wrong.
However, I found out later I couldn’t be told because I was afraid to be wrong, I was afraid I was not enough, I was afraid I would be caught, found out, or dispatched. I was just afraid. I didn’t know how afraid until I spent time looking at my past, my mistakes, harms and delusions.
Perhaps part of maturing is the awareness of a growing deficit in the need for my presence in the world, so I have time to reflect on the bigger picture than one that requires my constant participation. When I was younger I was so very busy all the time. I had multiple jobs, projects and a hopping social life. I don’t have much of any of that now and mostly by choice.
Now, I think my job is to get right with myself. A lot of friends of mine talk about wanting to be the same person in every room they’re in… If asked, I would likely tell you that I was the same person in every room. But if you include time with my elderly uncle (yes, even older than me) or my Mormon cousins, the truth is, I’m am not the same person with them. Unless pushed or provoked, I hold back with them – I don’t talk about politics or human rights. I can’t even say that I have walked away from my friends who hold antithetical views than I, because, I believe, like Anne Frank, that all people are basically good. AND I try very had to bring that into every conversation/relationship I have.
And, that is getting harder and harder to believe/defend.
So I think that’s the point, actually – my reluctance to challenge everyone, all the time, perhaps defines me as not a good rebel, not a team player for the cause.
Like the shortcuts I take in other areas of my life, my lack of black and white thinking forbids me from standing up to all the arguments, all the opponents, or all the outcomes. Not because I think the outcomes are ok, but because I think people can change. I think that because I have.
The good news is I’m not a politician… I’m an advocate and an ally. I’m a person with experience in some important aspects of human existence – and I’m am willing to share my experience, strength, and hope. I do put my money where my mouth is.
So, can I be trusted? Yes. Should I be defined as a spokesperson? Probably not. I feel strongly that each person has to find their own way, be able to defend their position.
